99 Problems

There's something wrong with me. Seriously.

I'm starting to miss a girl that treated me like garbage, and who I wasn't even ever really with. That's so whack. Like, I'm just starting to reminisce about how good it all was, and how on top of the world I felt back then. I felt like nothing could upset me, or get to me. Near indestructible. Like, whenever something went bad, it was like just seeing her, or even thinking about her, would make everything alright.

I miss her smile, and her laugh, and the way that we'd just wander around aimlessly, talking about nothing, and everything at the same time. How endearingly awkward she was. How she'd just randomly touch me, and then feel really awkward about it. Both her and me.

She was beautiful too. I just realised how I never seemed to convey that here, or to many people at all. She was gorgeous. Sometimes it was hard to make her laugh, or smile, but that made it all the more special when she did. She had a glorious smile. As I've said before, I have a thing for girls with great smiles. I also inflated my own ego a bit, because she laughed a lot at the stuff I said, and not so much at what other people said.

I think it's because of these good memories that it hurt even more when she stopped talking to me. It hurt a lot less when she finally cut me off. Even though she was a psycho, and probably still is, I don't think I'll ever really get over her.

I keep it well hidden though. And there's not really that much to hide anymore. I mean, I'm pretty over her. It's just sometimes, I get really, really lonely. Like, when things are going bad, and I just want to whinge and moan to someone, and maybe, just maybe, cry a little. But I don't let this show too much in public.

I don't know when I'll find the right person, or when they'll find me. I guess it's a feeling of mutual attraction. I mean, I could potentially like a lot of people, but for them to reciprocate that, that's the hard bit.

I've analysed most of my character make-up now, and spotted most of the flaws. I know pretty much what I am, and what I am not.

I'm not drop-dead handsome. I don't think I'm that bad-looking though. And I'm taller than most girls, and almost all Asian guys. I dress well, I keep myself clean. I mean, yeah, I could lose a few kilos, but I'm not that bad. And I am trying. So I don't think that's really a massive, massive barrier.

I'm not tight with my money, by anyone's standards. Especially with a girl I like, I pay for everything, and I buy gifts and stuff. So if she's into that, I don't really think that's a problem, unless she wants Gucci handbags every week or something.

I'm not exactly boring. Maybe the stuff I do isn't suited to the mainstream girl. I don't club, I don't smoke, I don't drink, and I don't drag race at night. But the stuff I do isn't boring boring. I play music, I listen to music, I go out, watch movies, eat, bowl, write stuff, play stupid games, sit around and talk for hours, and shop.

I work hard for the future. Or a lot harder than a good deal of people in the world. So I don't really think that's an issue.

I'm a bit of a jerk sometimes. That might count against me. But I'm never like that with girls that I like. Also, sometimes my humour is a bit hard to get. And to many, it can seem like I'm being an idiot. And sometimes I get into moods where I don't want to talk a lot. And a lot of people seem to have an issue with that.

I think the problem is really me. I'm too picky. I tend to go for alright-looking, funny girls who have similar interests to me. And, this is the hard part, that understand my humour.

I thought Anna Tran fit this bill a while ago. And she seemed fairly into me too. Maybe that was just sympathy for my bung knee. I don't think it was though. There was an issue there that I don't fully comprehend, if at all. First day back at uni, I said meet up, and she seemed really eager. Then she met her friend in the lecture following, and it's like she never knew me. The last time we went out, before I gave up all hope on her, it was for Ray's party. And there, she chose to sit next to me. She conversed with me, she looked at me a lot, and laughed at things that I didn't even mean to be funny, and generally had a good time. Much like camp. Even walking to our group meeting for Accounting, she offered me to shelter under her umbrella, and we joked and mucked around and stuff. As soon as she saw her friend there, she just started being a jerk and being overly-critical when I made a mistake, but alright when her friend made about a million. I think she's afraid of what her friends would say if they thought she was interested in me. Which is fair enough I guess. I'm not exactly much of a handbag boyfriend. That's the only reason I can nail. I mean, she seems to be all interested in Richard, and he's got a girlfriend. I could match her stupid humour, if only she'd give me a chance. She knows I can. I've done it before. She just seemed intent on shutting me out. I don't need someone like that in my life.

I thought with Linda that I'd finally found someone that was also interested. And I think she was. Until somehow, sometime, I hit a nerve, and she went mental. I still don't know what I did wrong. More about her later, maybe.

Yeah, I'm writing all of this because, right now, at this point in time, the loneliness is really kicking in. I have so many things that I want to talk about, but no-one that I can really talk to. I don't know why I struggle talking things through with my family. I have come to the conclusion that I am a really bad person. I complain about things, and then I don't go for the easy, not-so-good option. I go for the better, harder-to-attain option. With girls, I'm not like a lot of guys, who'll just go for anyone. And, I think, therein lies many of my problems.

Word of the Day: Loneliness