There is one thing, amongst a few others, that I don't understand, and probably never will. It's just one of those things.
I cannot, for the life of me, understand why girls often/a lot of the time go for guys are terrible people, and completely will not look at guys that are actually great people.
I'm not talking about me. I don't know whether I'm a good person. I do try to be, but that's completely subjective and for you to decide. Anyway, being good doesn't really seem to get me anywhere anyway. I continually hear about how nice people are. When I say they're jerks, because I think they are, not just for argument's sake, they always get defended with phrases like "Oh, he's not normally like that," or "You just don't know him well." How well do you need to know someone for them not to be a jerk? I think the word 'nice' is now just a synonym for 'cool'. No matter how nice I am, it just does not seem to be appreciated. So I kind of give without expecting any sort of return, emotional, monetary, psychologically, or otherwise.
But this isn't really about me. Well, it sort of is. Except I can't really evaluate whether I'm a good person, so it's not about me in that respect. But yeah. I've just seen it with a few of my friends. They're great people. They're not bad-looking either. I mean that in a non-gay way.
But, for some reason, girls ignore them in favour of guys that are basically arrogant, shallow, unreliable jerks that aren't even that good-looking. Like, I can sort of understand when the guy is a spunk. That's enough for some people. Maybe there's something that I don't see in them, and girls do. Who knows. Certainly not me.
They're continually let down by these guys, but still find them awesome. Go figure.
I'll stop talking about girls there. I may start sounding misogynistic and sexist. I stress that not all girls are like that. I've just seen a lot that are. Too many, some would argue.
In other news, I've adopted a kind of laissez-faire approach. Whatever happens, happens. I'll focus on things that I can control, and hope some divine being makes everything else work out. Thanks in advance, divine being. Yes, I just assumed that you would make everything work out, Mr. Divine Being.
Word of the Day: Jerk
Showing posts with label me. Show all posts
Showing posts with label me. Show all posts
Wednesday, 19 May 2010
Thursday, 13 May 2010
Interior Inferior
I'm quite tetchy at quite a few people right about now. I don't know why. It may be something to do with people treating me as being inferior, and having no regard for my feelings or emotions.
It's a little bit sad. I never went through a phase of not being part of the 'cool crowd' back at high school. At Vermont, the cool kids in my class were really inclusive and generally nice. At Melbourne High, there were no real 'cool kid' groups. There were just groups, and I was a bit of a floater anyway.
It's kind of like it's catching up with me now. People treating me as if I'm stupid, or blind, or both. I'm not saying I'm a super genius or something. Far from it. I think I'm on the lower end of the smart scale. But this kind of stuff, anybody with half a brain could figure it out.
I'm a little bit scared right now actually. There are a few things I'm scared of currently, but one of the main ones is that I've recently started noticing that I've become desensitised to a lot of things. Like, nothing much in recent memory has hurt me all that much. People treating me like I have the intelligence of a five-year-old? Yeah, whatever. I'll just stop talking to them. People talking to me only when they need me for something? Yeah, that's fine. I'll just do likewise. People being rude to me? I can more than reciprocate that.
I guess it all boils down to your own morals. My mother always says that many things are acceptable if you can get past your own conscience. Most of the time when I think something is morally apprehensible or just plain wrong, it's just that: what I think. So in essence, if I didn't think that something I was going to do was very wrong, most people would be cool with it.
I'm scared because I think I'm starting to operate like that. Tit-for-tat. They treat me like that, I treat them like that back. I didn't used to be like that. I usually treat people a little bit nicer than they treat me. I guess every person has a breaking point. Being nice doesn't pay off 99% of the time, unless it's to people who deserve it, so what's the point? That's the reasoning anyway.
So right now, I'm ignoring my instincts about what's wrong and right, and just responding to how people treat me. Which I think is dangerous, because I think I'll be a worser person for it. Again, I think it's just my own perception. Other people probably wouldn't notice. I hope this phase passes quickly. It makes me quite bitter.
Word of the day: Stupid
It's a little bit sad. I never went through a phase of not being part of the 'cool crowd' back at high school. At Vermont, the cool kids in my class were really inclusive and generally nice. At Melbourne High, there were no real 'cool kid' groups. There were just groups, and I was a bit of a floater anyway.
It's kind of like it's catching up with me now. People treating me as if I'm stupid, or blind, or both. I'm not saying I'm a super genius or something. Far from it. I think I'm on the lower end of the smart scale. But this kind of stuff, anybody with half a brain could figure it out.
I'm a little bit scared right now actually. There are a few things I'm scared of currently, but one of the main ones is that I've recently started noticing that I've become desensitised to a lot of things. Like, nothing much in recent memory has hurt me all that much. People treating me like I have the intelligence of a five-year-old? Yeah, whatever. I'll just stop talking to them. People talking to me only when they need me for something? Yeah, that's fine. I'll just do likewise. People being rude to me? I can more than reciprocate that.
I guess it all boils down to your own morals. My mother always says that many things are acceptable if you can get past your own conscience. Most of the time when I think something is morally apprehensible or just plain wrong, it's just that: what I think. So in essence, if I didn't think that something I was going to do was very wrong, most people would be cool with it.
I'm scared because I think I'm starting to operate like that. Tit-for-tat. They treat me like that, I treat them like that back. I didn't used to be like that. I usually treat people a little bit nicer than they treat me. I guess every person has a breaking point. Being nice doesn't pay off 99% of the time, unless it's to people who deserve it, so what's the point? That's the reasoning anyway.
So right now, I'm ignoring my instincts about what's wrong and right, and just responding to how people treat me. Which I think is dangerous, because I think I'll be a worser person for it. Again, I think it's just my own perception. Other people probably wouldn't notice. I hope this phase passes quickly. It makes me quite bitter.
Word of the day: Stupid
Sunday, 21 February 2010
99 Problems
There's something wrong with me. Seriously.
I'm starting to miss a girl that treated me like garbage, and who I wasn't even ever really with. That's so whack. Like, I'm just starting to reminisce about how good it all was, and how on top of the world I felt back then. I felt like nothing could upset me, or get to me. Near indestructible. Like, whenever something went bad, it was like just seeing her, or even thinking about her, would make everything alright.
I miss her smile, and her laugh, and the way that we'd just wander around aimlessly, talking about nothing, and everything at the same time. How endearingly awkward she was. How she'd just randomly touch me, and then feel really awkward about it. Both her and me.
She was beautiful too. I just realised how I never seemed to convey that here, or to many people at all. She was gorgeous. Sometimes it was hard to make her laugh, or smile, but that made it all the more special when she did. She had a glorious smile. As I've said before, I have a thing for girls with great smiles. I also inflated my own ego a bit, because she laughed a lot at the stuff I said, and not so much at what other people said.
I think it's because of these good memories that it hurt even more when she stopped talking to me. It hurt a lot less when she finally cut me off. Even though she was a psycho, and probably still is, I don't think I'll ever really get over her.
I keep it well hidden though. And there's not really that much to hide anymore. I mean, I'm pretty over her. It's just sometimes, I get really, really lonely. Like, when things are going bad, and I just want to whinge and moan to someone, and maybe, just maybe, cry a little. But I don't let this show too much in public.
I don't know when I'll find the right person, or when they'll find me. I guess it's a feeling of mutual attraction. I mean, I could potentially like a lot of people, but for them to reciprocate that, that's the hard bit.
I've analysed most of my character make-up now, and spotted most of the flaws. I know pretty much what I am, and what I am not.
I'm not drop-dead handsome. I don't think I'm that bad-looking though. And I'm taller than most girls, and almost all Asian guys. I dress well, I keep myself clean. I mean, yeah, I could lose a few kilos, but I'm not that bad. And I am trying. So I don't think that's really a massive, massive barrier.
I'm not tight with my money, by anyone's standards. Especially with a girl I like, I pay for everything, and I buy gifts and stuff. So if she's into that, I don't really think that's a problem, unless she wants Gucci handbags every week or something.
I'm not exactly boring. Maybe the stuff I do isn't suited to the mainstream girl. I don't club, I don't smoke, I don't drink, and I don't drag race at night. But the stuff I do isn't boring boring. I play music, I listen to music, I go out, watch movies, eat, bowl, write stuff, play stupid games, sit around and talk for hours, and shop.
I work hard for the future. Or a lot harder than a good deal of people in the world. So I don't really think that's an issue.
I'm a bit of a jerk sometimes. That might count against me. But I'm never like that with girls that I like. Also, sometimes my humour is a bit hard to get. And to many, it can seem like I'm being an idiot. And sometimes I get into moods where I don't want to talk a lot. And a lot of people seem to have an issue with that.
I think the problem is really me. I'm too picky. I tend to go for alright-looking, funny girls who have similar interests to me. And, this is the hard part, that understand my humour.
I thought Anna Tran fit this bill a while ago. And she seemed fairly into me too. Maybe that was just sympathy for my bung knee. I don't think it was though. There was an issue there that I don't fully comprehend, if at all. First day back at uni, I said meet up, and she seemed really eager. Then she met her friend in the lecture following, and it's like she never knew me. The last time we went out, before I gave up all hope on her, it was for Ray's party. And there, she chose to sit next to me. She conversed with me, she looked at me a lot, and laughed at things that I didn't even mean to be funny, and generally had a good time. Much like camp. Even walking to our group meeting for Accounting, she offered me to shelter under her umbrella, and we joked and mucked around and stuff. As soon as she saw her friend there, she just started being a jerk and being overly-critical when I made a mistake, but alright when her friend made about a million. I think she's afraid of what her friends would say if they thought she was interested in me. Which is fair enough I guess. I'm not exactly much of a handbag boyfriend. That's the only reason I can nail. I mean, she seems to be all interested in Richard, and he's got a girlfriend. I could match her stupid humour, if only she'd give me a chance. She knows I can. I've done it before. She just seemed intent on shutting me out. I don't need someone like that in my life.
I thought with Linda that I'd finally found someone that was also interested. And I think she was. Until somehow, sometime, I hit a nerve, and she went mental. I still don't know what I did wrong. More about her later, maybe.
Yeah, I'm writing all of this because, right now, at this point in time, the loneliness is really kicking in. I have so many things that I want to talk about, but no-one that I can really talk to. I don't know why I struggle talking things through with my family. I have come to the conclusion that I am a really bad person. I complain about things, and then I don't go for the easy, not-so-good option. I go for the better, harder-to-attain option. With girls, I'm not like a lot of guys, who'll just go for anyone. And, I think, therein lies many of my problems.
Word of the Day: Loneliness
I'm starting to miss a girl that treated me like garbage, and who I wasn't even ever really with. That's so whack. Like, I'm just starting to reminisce about how good it all was, and how on top of the world I felt back then. I felt like nothing could upset me, or get to me. Near indestructible. Like, whenever something went bad, it was like just seeing her, or even thinking about her, would make everything alright.
I miss her smile, and her laugh, and the way that we'd just wander around aimlessly, talking about nothing, and everything at the same time. How endearingly awkward she was. How she'd just randomly touch me, and then feel really awkward about it. Both her and me.
She was beautiful too. I just realised how I never seemed to convey that here, or to many people at all. She was gorgeous. Sometimes it was hard to make her laugh, or smile, but that made it all the more special when she did. She had a glorious smile. As I've said before, I have a thing for girls with great smiles. I also inflated my own ego a bit, because she laughed a lot at the stuff I said, and not so much at what other people said.
I think it's because of these good memories that it hurt even more when she stopped talking to me. It hurt a lot less when she finally cut me off. Even though she was a psycho, and probably still is, I don't think I'll ever really get over her.
I keep it well hidden though. And there's not really that much to hide anymore. I mean, I'm pretty over her. It's just sometimes, I get really, really lonely. Like, when things are going bad, and I just want to whinge and moan to someone, and maybe, just maybe, cry a little. But I don't let this show too much in public.
I don't know when I'll find the right person, or when they'll find me. I guess it's a feeling of mutual attraction. I mean, I could potentially like a lot of people, but for them to reciprocate that, that's the hard bit.
I've analysed most of my character make-up now, and spotted most of the flaws. I know pretty much what I am, and what I am not.
I'm not drop-dead handsome. I don't think I'm that bad-looking though. And I'm taller than most girls, and almost all Asian guys. I dress well, I keep myself clean. I mean, yeah, I could lose a few kilos, but I'm not that bad. And I am trying. So I don't think that's really a massive, massive barrier.
I'm not tight with my money, by anyone's standards. Especially with a girl I like, I pay for everything, and I buy gifts and stuff. So if she's into that, I don't really think that's a problem, unless she wants Gucci handbags every week or something.
I'm not exactly boring. Maybe the stuff I do isn't suited to the mainstream girl. I don't club, I don't smoke, I don't drink, and I don't drag race at night. But the stuff I do isn't boring boring. I play music, I listen to music, I go out, watch movies, eat, bowl, write stuff, play stupid games, sit around and talk for hours, and shop.
I work hard for the future. Or a lot harder than a good deal of people in the world. So I don't really think that's an issue.
I'm a bit of a jerk sometimes. That might count against me. But I'm never like that with girls that I like. Also, sometimes my humour is a bit hard to get. And to many, it can seem like I'm being an idiot. And sometimes I get into moods where I don't want to talk a lot. And a lot of people seem to have an issue with that.
I think the problem is really me. I'm too picky. I tend to go for alright-looking, funny girls who have similar interests to me. And, this is the hard part, that understand my humour.
I thought Anna Tran fit this bill a while ago. And she seemed fairly into me too. Maybe that was just sympathy for my bung knee. I don't think it was though. There was an issue there that I don't fully comprehend, if at all. First day back at uni, I said meet up, and she seemed really eager. Then she met her friend in the lecture following, and it's like she never knew me. The last time we went out, before I gave up all hope on her, it was for Ray's party. And there, she chose to sit next to me. She conversed with me, she looked at me a lot, and laughed at things that I didn't even mean to be funny, and generally had a good time. Much like camp. Even walking to our group meeting for Accounting, she offered me to shelter under her umbrella, and we joked and mucked around and stuff. As soon as she saw her friend there, she just started being a jerk and being overly-critical when I made a mistake, but alright when her friend made about a million. I think she's afraid of what her friends would say if they thought she was interested in me. Which is fair enough I guess. I'm not exactly much of a handbag boyfriend. That's the only reason I can nail. I mean, she seems to be all interested in Richard, and he's got a girlfriend. I could match her stupid humour, if only she'd give me a chance. She knows I can. I've done it before. She just seemed intent on shutting me out. I don't need someone like that in my life.
I thought with Linda that I'd finally found someone that was also interested. And I think she was. Until somehow, sometime, I hit a nerve, and she went mental. I still don't know what I did wrong. More about her later, maybe.
Yeah, I'm writing all of this because, right now, at this point in time, the loneliness is really kicking in. I have so many things that I want to talk about, but no-one that I can really talk to. I don't know why I struggle talking things through with my family. I have come to the conclusion that I am a really bad person. I complain about things, and then I don't go for the easy, not-so-good option. I go for the better, harder-to-attain option. With girls, I'm not like a lot of guys, who'll just go for anyone. And, I think, therein lies many of my problems.
Word of the Day: Loneliness
Tuesday, 5 January 2010
Sobering
I have now taken up another resolution.
My resolution is to not cause my family, or anyone close to me, any pain, through any stupidity on my part.
What I mean is, I don't want to do anything stupid and destroy my life, or possibly lose it, and cause heartbreak and pain for anybody that cares about me.
It's saddening, and slightly scary, how quickly life can be taken away from a person, especially on the roads. The worst thing is that, even if you're driving under the speed limit, not in anyone's way, something could still happen to you.
Recently, I witnessed first-hand how much the death of a person could hurt those close to him. I don't want to hurt my loved ones in this way, if I can help it. It hurt seeing the pain of those people. I can't imagine how much more acute that pain would be if I were experiencing it.
It starts with me. By minimising the instances where I take stupid risks. Not that I take a lot of stupid risks. In fact, I'm fairly risk-averse. But just the next time I think about taking one, I'll think more carefully about it, hopefully.
Word of the Day: Sobering
My resolution is to not cause my family, or anyone close to me, any pain, through any stupidity on my part.
What I mean is, I don't want to do anything stupid and destroy my life, or possibly lose it, and cause heartbreak and pain for anybody that cares about me.
It's saddening, and slightly scary, how quickly life can be taken away from a person, especially on the roads. The worst thing is that, even if you're driving under the speed limit, not in anyone's way, something could still happen to you.
Recently, I witnessed first-hand how much the death of a person could hurt those close to him. I don't want to hurt my loved ones in this way, if I can help it. It hurt seeing the pain of those people. I can't imagine how much more acute that pain would be if I were experiencing it.
It starts with me. By minimising the instances where I take stupid risks. Not that I take a lot of stupid risks. In fact, I'm fairly risk-averse. But just the next time I think about taking one, I'll think more carefully about it, hopefully.
Word of the Day: Sobering
Monday, 28 December 2009
Me. The City.
Ok, so it doesn't look like I'll be going out to the city at all for New Year's Eve. People either have better people to hang out with, or have made their own thing to do, or just generally can't be stuffed going out to the city. Which is understandable. I mean, it is me. And the city. It's like, two negatives in one. Which is not good. At all. If I were given the choice, I wouldn't want to spend the night with me. Especially in the city. On New Year's Eve.
My main motivation for going out to the city was originally to get Linda to come along. Failing that, spending time with friends would've been nice. But seeing as she's spending the night with her family, and I have approximately 0 friends who want to come out to the city, with me, I guess I'll do the same, and see if I can find something to do with my homies during the day. With me. Possibly in the city.
Look for my Batlight thing...you know, that light that Batman shines on the clouds to get everybody's attention...ok, forget it. It's not important anyway. Just look out for it. It might be in the shape of me. And it may or may not be in the city.
Word of the Day: City
My main motivation for going out to the city was originally to get Linda to come along. Failing that, spending time with friends would've been nice. But seeing as she's spending the night with her family, and I have approximately 0 friends who want to come out to the city, with me, I guess I'll do the same, and see if I can find something to do with my homies during the day. With me. Possibly in the city.
Look for my Batlight thing...you know, that light that Batman shines on the clouds to get everybody's attention...ok, forget it. It's not important anyway. Just look out for it. It might be in the shape of me. And it may or may not be in the city.
Word of the Day: City
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