Interior Inferior

I'm quite tetchy at quite a few people right about now. I don't know why. It may be something to do with people treating me as being inferior, and having no regard for my feelings or emotions.

It's a little bit sad. I never went through a phase of not being part of the 'cool crowd' back at high school. At Vermont, the cool kids in my class were really inclusive and generally nice. At Melbourne High, there were no real 'cool kid' groups. There were just groups, and I was a bit of a floater anyway.

It's kind of like it's catching up with me now. People treating me as if I'm stupid, or blind, or both. I'm not saying I'm a super genius or something. Far from it. I think I'm on the lower end of the smart scale. But this kind of stuff, anybody with half a brain could figure it out.

I'm a little bit scared right now actually. There are a few things I'm scared of currently, but one of the main ones is that I've recently started noticing that I've become desensitised to a lot of things. Like, nothing much in recent memory has hurt me all that much. People treating me like I have the intelligence of a five-year-old? Yeah, whatever. I'll just stop talking to them. People talking to me only when they need me for something? Yeah, that's fine. I'll just do likewise. People being rude to me? I can more than reciprocate that.

I guess it all boils down to your own morals. My mother always says that many things are acceptable if you can get past your own conscience. Most of the time when I think something is morally apprehensible or just plain wrong, it's just that: what I think. So in essence, if I didn't think that something I was going to do was very wrong, most people would be cool with it.

I'm scared because I think I'm starting to operate like that. Tit-for-tat. They treat me like that, I treat them like that back. I didn't used to be like that. I usually treat people a little bit nicer than they treat me. I guess every person has a breaking point. Being nice doesn't pay off 99% of the time, unless it's to people who deserve it, so what's the point? That's the reasoning anyway.

So right now, I'm ignoring my instincts about what's wrong and right, and just responding to how people treat me. Which I think is dangerous, because I think I'll be a worser person for it. Again, I think it's just my own perception. Other people probably wouldn't notice. I hope this phase passes quickly. It makes me quite bitter.

Word of the day: Stupid